The Judeo-Christian gift-giving holidays are gaining on us, and that means two things. The girls at work want to buy a dildo for our manager, who really needs to get laid. (Or anything else that might tend to bring about a radical attitude adjustment. Nobody’s all that picky.)

And I just received a Christmas-themed care package from the mortuary that handled my sister’s **ahem** “arrangements” (not the “services”) this spring.

It’s an 8×5 envelope stuffed with “literature”.  You’d think a mortuary might understand that cookies would help with the grieving process, but no. What I got is more of a litany of things it’s “okay” to feel during CHRISTMAS, and an actual checklist to help determine which flaky CHRISTMAS traditions are really it wouldn’t be CHRISTMAS without them type traditions, and which ones I can skip.

How many stockings should I hang?

Same number as always. Zero.

Should I decorate the rooms in my house?

Why? I’m not going to be there.

The literature has a high emphasis on children. Perhaps I should go visit some at the zoo.

Between the oddly secular psycho babble and generic advice, there are two sentences for “if you celebrate Hanukah” and a page long poem from the POV of the deceased on “first CHRISTMAS in Heaven.” (Not a hundred percent sure whether that’s copyright infringement or not. Pet Peeve alert.) And not a word about any other religious or secular tradition.

And, of course, they’ve included some New Year’s resolutions and a nifty grieving diagram that looks a lot like the diagram of cell mitosis from my high school biology textbook.

**sigh** Every time I get one of these things, my first response is always “Oh, fuck… what paperwork do they need, now?”

Yes, I know they’re trying to help.

I think I’ll go get some cookies and caffeine, now.