Today is the day of the (rescheduled) emergency cell-phone alert system test, and I’m still trying to figure out exactly what kind of threat would require the immediate and simultaneous notification of every single person in the United States.

The best I’ve come up with is a coordinated and deliberate nuclear attack.

Much as I look forward to finally being able to use that “Duck and Cover” lesson, I’m really not sure it’s going to help that much.

Assuming, of course, that my particular stretch of farmland merits a nuke, which seems unlikely.

Although we’re all flattered that there might be real-life foreigners who have heard of us. I mean… most people in Kansas don’t know we exist. (Oh, hey! North Korea remembered us! That is so sweet… oh.)

I intend to be in a well-populated, public place not driving, when the alert goes off.  I also intend not to get the alert, but we’ll see how that goes. General goal? Not to get the alert, and also not to send any information about whether I got the alert, or why I did not.

I’m debating whether I would like the alerts better, if they were called FEMA alerts, instead of Presidential alerts. Possibly. Although, I would still be concerned about the idea of thousands of drivers being accosted by screaming klaxons all at the same time.

Pull over, and prepare to be incinerated.