Fleeing From Family and Other Holiday Traditions

There are roughly six billion people in my family. And yes, somewhere, one of my cousins is heartbroken that I forgot about her most recent bundles of terror. (Six billion and two.) We’re like a bacteria colony, and somehow… through the miracle that is family… I have never gotten promoted from the kiddie table.

Exactly how many fully-grown “children” can you fit on a piano bench?

At least seventeen, provided they are all doing their best to be invisible while dodging questions like: So, are you seeing anybody special?

We thought that question had been retired after Cousin Herkimer brought a Roman Catholic Priest (complete with collar) as his date to the family reunion a few years back, but, alas…

The current form of the question is now. So what about you, KAREN? Are YOU seeing anyone you MIGHT HAVE A FUTURE WITH, KAREN? (Or would you like to buy some leftover donor sperm off your cousin Rachel? She’ll give you a bargain, KAREN.)

And thus, we began a new tradition of packing up immediate family, and fleeing for the hills.

The trick to outrunning family is to get up early.

This year, I’m proud to tell you, we were up at the crack of dawn, and by eight o’clock… well, we had already run over the traditional Thanksgiving Skunk.

We weren’t the first people to run over it, but Reduce, Reuse, Recycle! I can confirm that a recycled skunk smells just as bad as a brand new one, but with significantly less impact on the environment.

Onward to the traditional Thanksgiving car wash. You’d be surprised how much this tradition is taking root. We found one that was open with no problem. The only question here is which package to go for. Newbies will, of course, opt for the super-deluxe high-end wash. And that’s understandable. It is a festive occasion.

But do you really want any remaining skunk chunks to get a high-gloss coating of long-lasting wax? I don’t think so.

Get the bargain basement wash, and go more than once.

Eventually, we made it to Waffle House, the traditional Thanksgiving cheese steak sandwiches, and best of all… I got my very own chair.


  1. Rebecca Douglass


    😀 I’d cut the family slack about the kiddie table (hey, it’s hard to deal with kids growing up, and someone has to sit there), but no the “get married and have kids thing.” Don’t blame you for preferring IHOP and the car wash!

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