That Delusion I’m Human Strikes Again

My shitty day job called this afternoon. By which, what I mean is, less than twenty-four hours before I’m supposed to be at work tomorrow morning.

Actually, scratch that. It was slightly less than twelve hours before I’m supposed to be at work.

There are exactly two reasons people from work call me, and they can be distinguished based on the time of day the call comes in.

They call me in the morning–not my morning, of course. Generally, my day-half-over–to say they finally noticed the other guy didn’t show up, and will I please come in today.

I get those phone calls in the afternoon. It’s not that complicated. I get up at two, my typical shift begins at four. If you call me at eight, there’s an excellent chance I’m no longer in the house to get your call. Yes, I have a cellphone, but not being a trauma surgeon, I am not “on call,” and I am not paid enough to be tethered to my shitty day job 24-7. Furthermore, there are fairly decent odds that I’m not standing under a cell tower all day. Consequently, all calls go to the house phone.

So, morning calls?

Well, I’ll get those when I get back from whatever thing it is that I’m doing.

And then, there are afternoon calls.

Afternoon calls generally involve some variation on the theme of: We’d like to switch your schedule around. We can give you tomorrow off,  if you’ll come in on (random day in the future.) This will, of course, be presented as a great favor to me, as tomorrow is in line with my days off, and–golly gee–days in a row.

Which might be a great deal, if you offered it to me at the beginning of my time off.

Of course, if you call to offer me tomorrow off, but I’ve already come back from doing whatever it is I was doing, I don’t actually get a three day trip. Because I’m not coming home, taking a shower, turning around, and going back.

And, of course, “reciprocation” isn’t in their vocabulary. There will be no “brownie points” for me to redeem at a later time. If I call in sick? Well, clearly that’s a sick day. No schedule reorganization for me. And how long does it take me to get time off? Three weeks.

It’s been a while since I took algebra, but I’m pretty sure that’s more than twelve hours.

I continue to plan my escape.



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